...I got tired of Twitter, oh so tired of Twitter.

In the interests of full disclosure, yes- I have had a Twitter account. Last summer, when the world was fresh and new and I spent all day in an office listening to muxtape, I had to set up...basically, I had to make a work blog that could automatically update from LexusNexus, which I did because I'm Web 2.0 like that bitches. Because I am Web 2.0 to the MAXX I also put a little Twitter box on the account, because moments after hearing about Twitter I already understood that the platform was only good for one thing i.e. updating office dwellers about what was being microwaved.
Allow me to explain.
My desk was right in front of the office refrigerator/microwave/sink area- what is called, sadly, a "kitchen". Any time anyone microwaved lunch- and this was literally every three minutes, since we worked in one of those Manhattan hellmouths where there's no good food for 17 blocks- every single person in the office would prarie-dog up over their cubicle walls and ask what was cooking. Because I was devoted to peak efficiency and also I was bored, I set up a Twitter account at the top of the interoffice blog that could be updated with whatever was currently being microwaved, saving precious time wasted jack-in-the-boxing up out of office chairs. Of course, I updated it maybe twice, and now it sits, abandoned. But all of that was just a set-up for me to explain that I know all the fuck about Twitter, and hearing about it on the news and from literally every person on earth took me from bemused to bored to angry so fast it was like a cartoon thermometer*. Add to this the embarrassment when El Thompson pointed out that I sort of fell for the cwalken Twitter account, which apparently is not actually Christopher Walken but merely a pitch-perfect recreation of his voice. I have it on good authority that the Shaq Twitter feed is legit, in case anyone on earth gives a shit what Shaq has to tell you in 150 characters or less. Also there's all of these congressmen writing snide little messages (the fuck I am going to use their awful "Tweet" terminology), and some court case got declared a mistrial because some idiot was like "DIRK A DIRK, I'M ON A JURY", and and everybody just stop it, okay? No more Twitter. Less or none of that. No more.

*Rejected simile: "rage erection"